A blood tale
by Funeral Lilies
Summary: Slash! SiriusRemus, JamesLily, JamesSirius. Marauder story. Remus likes Sirius a lot, but Sirius doesn't seem to know how he feels. Lily encourages Remus to tell Sirius he likes him but unfortunately, he sees something that he wasn't meant to...
1. Chapter 1

A BLOOD TALE 

**Fandom: Harry Potter**

**Rating: PG-15**

**Pairing: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black/James Potter/Lily Evans**

**Set: In the days of the Marauders.**

**A/N: Everybody's in love.**

Chapter one: Memories 

"Sirius, haven't seen my broom anywhere, have you?"

"Like you'd need it, Rem – you don't even know how to fly."

A broad grin appeared in Sirius' handsome face, and Remus found it very hard to be angry with him. Besides, he wasn't a bad flyer at all – he just wasn't as good as Sirius.

"Boys, you'd better hurry or you'll miss the train." His mother stopped on the threshold, her slightly worn features worrying him as much as they always did. He was old enough now to realize that his parents' marriage was an unhappy one, and that somehow, he was to blame – the fear and shame of having a werewolf son had torn their love apart. His mother looked into his eyes, sadly, and he smiled reassuringly. _I'm with Sirius_, he thought. _He'll look after me whatever happens. _

They met up with James, Lily and Peter on the platform 9 ¾, and managed to find an empty compartment with them. Lily's parents were standing outside the window, apparently worried that she'd forgotten anything, her surly-looking sister waiting for them at the other end of the platform. Peter's mother stood some steps away, waving her tiny hand and crying softly. Peter blushed, trying not to look at her.

Next, the train began to move and they were on their way. Lily started to talk the instant her parents were out of sight.

"Honestly, you could think I was still their baby!" James, who sat next to her, put his arm around her shoulder.

"You're _my_ baby now, aren't you?" He kissed her. Remus saw Sirius's pretty eyes blacken, and felt his heart sink. He knew very well it wasn't Lily Sirius cared about.

"Hey, people", Peter said, apparently knowing already that no one would really listen to him.

"Not in front of us, eh?" James turned to him, smiling.

"Jealous, Peter?" He assumed a worried expression, then laughed. Remus tried not to look at Sirius – he saw out of the corner of his eye that Lily was trying to meet his gaze. Could it be, that she knew…? He remembered one night about a week before Christmas break, when they had all been drunk on Fire Whisky and James and Lily had been cuddled up in a corner of the common room while he and – well, Peter had already passed out on the floor, obviously – while he and Sirius – what had happened exactly, and why did Lily seem to know? Sirius had been staying with Remus and his parents during Christmas (the Blacks had, of course, objected to this, but Sirius never asked them for permission to do anything), and nothing strange had happened. Remus' parents seemed very relieved when they realized 'the Black boy' already knew about the family secret, and Sirius told Remus afterwards that he had been playing cards with Mrs Lupin while her son transformed into a fierce, blood-thirsty creature, actually managing to make her laugh a couple of times. Mr Lupin was in his favourite pub at the time, drinking, as he always did when the full moon showed itself. And the next day, Remus was himself again, his body covered with scars and bites. But Sirius joked about it, and Remus forgot to be miserable. No, he was sure, nothing…_funny_ had happened while they were staying in his home. But that night in the common room?

"You're not falling asleep, are you?" James touched his shoulder roughly, and Remus looked at him.

"No", he said, in a much snappier tone than he had meant to. James smiled uncertainly.

"Okay…Just wondering, Rem, you seem to be somewhere else, that's all." They were all looking at him now. Lily's kind, green eyes, James' blue ones and Peter's pointed face glowing as if he was excited about something. And Sirius, next to him…

"You shouldn't think that much", his best friend said softly, putting one strong arm around his shoulder. Remus eyes met Lily's, and he blushed. In that moment, he knew exactly what she had witnessed that night in the common room.


	2. The crying slytherin

Chapter two: The crying slytherin 

The sorting ceremony and the feast afterwards went on as usual, without interruptions or surprises. Remus and his friends sat by the middle of the Gryffindor table, talking loudly, surrounded by people who admired James and Sirius. Remus couldn't help hating all those giggling girls, wishing them to go away, and he could tell Lily felt the same. The difference was, however, that James had a girlfriend and Sirius did not. Even though Remus knew Sirius wasn't interested in anyone but James, he was also aware that Sirius might choose a girl anyway, perhaps not to arouse James's suspicion. The thought sickened him.

At that moment, a four-year blonde called Trisha Vane cuddled up in Sirius's arms, and he didn't object to it. Remus left the table, abruptly, pretending not to hear his friends calling his name.

He didn't stop until he was on the second floor, so upset he couldn't breathe properly. Why had Sirius let it happen? Why hadn't he told her to go away? They were probably snogging in the common room right now, and she would trick Sirius into _anything…_

Remus flung himself into the nearest room, because he knew that if he met someone right now…

He didn't even have time to close the door, before he saw something that made him stand motionless on the cold floor. In the other end of the abandoned class-room was a boy, and he was crying.

At first, Remus didn't recognize the thin, dark-clad slytherin he and his friends had humiliated so many times. Then he saw, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Why would _he,_ of all people, cry on the night of the return to Hogwarts after Christmas? And why would the sight of it make Remus feel terrible? After all, they loathed each other, Remus Lupin and Severus Snape.

"Oh, um, I'm sorry", Remus said, forgetting that he was upset about Sirius and the Vane slut. Snape looked at him, quickly removing his tears. He didn't say anything.

"Why were you crying?" Remus asked, no trace of scorn in his voice. Snape's black eyes were full of hatred.

"I wasn't", he snarled. "Now leave me alone." But Remus saw he was on the verge of tears again, and felt pity for this boy he had so often laughed at.

"Really", he said, "I'm sorry me and my friends have been…um, unpleasant. If there's anything I can do to help you…" Snape stared at him.

"Don't you understand, Lupin? _Leave me alone_!" Remus backed a few steps, then changed his mind.

"No", he said stubbornly. "No, I won't. Look, I won't ever be mean to you again, I promise, I just can't help thinking that the fact that you're crying might have something to do with…that." Snape curled his lip.

"With what exactly?" Remus blushed a little.

"Well…I mean, with…us." Snape laughed, and it was a cruel laughter that made Remus feel stupid and very small.

"Think again, Lupin", Snape said, passing him and walking out of the room. "I wouldn't dream of caring about what you and your friends think of me." He disappeared, leaving Remus wondering why it felt so bad to be utterly disliked by someone he himself hated so much.


	3. In the Common room

Chapter three: In the common room 

He climbed into the portrait hole some minutes later, still shaken by Snape's words. He'd never imagined he would feel so bad about something like that… never thought he was so weak.

His friends were there, alone as always – neither James nor Sirius liked outsiders to be present while they were in the common room. Lily and Peter sat on the couch, Lily sipping Butterbeer while Peter was already half-asleep. James and Sirius played a not very serious game of Wizard's Chess, but abandoned this the moment Remus entered the room.

"Remus, my friend!" James exclaimed, rushing forward to greet him with a hug. "Where the hell have you been?" Remus didn't look into his eyes.

"I…got lost." They laughed, accepting his lie without further questioning.

"Come, we've got lots of Whisky left", Sirius said, grabbing him by the wrist. Remus shook his head.

"No really, I shouldn't…" James and Sirius didn't pay any attention to this, but sat down with him in an armchair and made him drink while beaming at him.

"Good, isn't it?" Sirius was so close it hurt now, his hand on Remus's shoulder. James leant down, his lips accidentally brushing Remus's cheek as he whispered:

"You like getting drunk, don't you?" Lily observed them, her gaze a little unsteady but still focused. Peter was now sleeping like a child.

"Come here, James", Lily said, her voice lower than usual. Remus stared at her. Did she do it on purpose, to see what would happen, or was there no ulterior motive at all? He couldn't tell. However, James sat down beside Lily on the couch – and Remus was squeezed into an armchair with the boy he secretly dreamed about.

"So" he said, reluctantly taking another gulp of whisky, "what happened to…that girl?" Sirius looked curiously at him.

"What girl? You're not having hallucinations, are you?" Remus smiled, relieved.

"Just a joke", he said, drinking a little more. "Don't know why I said it." Sirius looked into his eyes, assuming such a grave and sober expression Remus wasn't sure whether to believe it or not.

"No", Sirius said in a voice that was barely a whisper, "because honestly, Rem…I'm gay." He smiled broadly, then laughed and put his arms around Remus who felt his heart take a leap.

"I'm joking too", Sirius said. "Or am I, I don't know, just…drunk…Do you like me, Rem?"

He looked deep into Remus's eyes, so close their chests touched as they breathed. Remus didn't know what to say.

"What – um, of course…I mean, we're friends and…" Sirius stroked his hair.

"Yeah, friends" he said. "The best of friends…friends forever…" It occurred to Remus that he might not be talking about him at all, but about James, who was busy with Lily's underwear at the moment. It felt horrible, that whatever happened, he would always be the second most important person in Sirius's Hogwarts life…

"Are you really talking about me, Sirius?" He hadn't meant to say it, but Sirius didn't take notice.

"I liked it at your house…", he said. "Can I come there with you again?" Remus smiled nervously.

"Of course." Sirius laid back, his head against the back of the armchair. His fingers played gently with a strand of Remus's hair.

"I like it…that you're a werewolf, you know." And before Remus could reply to this strange statement, Sirius pulled him close and kissed him for the second time.


	4. Another encounter with Severus

Chapter four: Another encounter with Severus 

As the days went by and they got back into their school ways, studying as much as they liked, Remus realized that Sirius didn't remembered having ever kissed him. Lily exchanged knowing looks with him, but she was rather preoccupied with James teasing her for being the favorite student of Professor Slughorn, which was entirely true. Remus tried to find out, by studying Sirius's behavior, if he had given up the thought of replacing Lily in James's arms, but it was impossible to tell. James had, obviously, never understood that Sirius was in love with him, and Remus doubted anyone else knew about it. After all, Sirius had never said anything that inclined he had such feelings – it was simply Remus drawing conclusions of his own, and there was a chance he could be wrong…But in that case, Sirius might be interested in girls after all, and that would be much worse.

The days were cold, and the snow deep. The four boys used their spare time not to do homework, as they should have done and Lily did, but to be outside the school, talking, heavy cloaks keeping them warm. Peter was a little behind the others, who were close together even though James and Sirius did most of the talking. Remus felt the warmth of Sirius's body, despite the chilly air around them, and wished he could have been closer…

"Now, look who's coming!" James smiled, a glimpse of cruelty in his eyes. Sirius smiled, too, and Remus hated that smile because it belonged to the Sirius he hated – the bully.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Snivellus, out of his dungeons for once…" Snape approached them, looking at them with hateful eyes. He avoided Remus's gaze determinedly.

"What spell should we use, Sirius?" James said. Remus was glad Lily couldn't hear him.

"If I might suggest one", Sirius said, "then why not Levi –"

"No!" Remus said, looking into his eyes. "Why do you always have to be mean to him, he's never done anything to you! Can't we just go", he continued, afraid they would be mad at him, but still angry. Peter stared at him as if something unthinkable had just happened.

"Okay" Sirius said before James got the chance to answer. "Let's go." His face was so pale, and Remus wondered how he felt, if he felt anything… He looked into Snape's eyes, but if he had hoped to find some kind of gratefulness he was much disappointed. Snape gave him a look, as full of hatred as ever, and left them with his black cloak waving around him.

They went back to the common room in silence. Both James and Sirius seemed to be thinking about what had just happened, but Remus didn't dare to bring it up. He couldn't imagine either of them breaking up their friendship with him because of this. Still, though… Where would he be without them? Without Sirius…

James didn't tell Lily that they had met Snape, as he usually did (although she disliked his behavior towards the Slytherin boy and always had), and both he and Sirius were silent and thoughtful all afternoon. Peter went to bed almost at once, with a lame excuse nobody bothered to listen to, and Lily disappeared to the girls' dormitories some minutes later. As soon as they were alone, James looked at his two friends, asking:

"You guys coming? I'm really tired…"

"No", Sirius said hesitantly, "I won't be able to sleep for at least an hour. Remus?" Remus nodded.

"Me too, really. Goodnight, James." James shrugged his shoulders, leaving them alone in front of the fireplace.

At first, none of them spoke. They were sitting on the couch, at least fifty centimeters between them. Then Sirius said, without looking at Remus:

"I'm sorry. You must believe me, Rem." Their eyes met. Remus noticed Sirius was still pale.

"Don't be", he said. "It was just…I…I can't stand it when you're like that." Sirius smiled sadly.

"I know", he said. "You're so…You're such a great friend." Remus felt uneasy to hear him speak in such a grave voice, as if he would never be happy again. This was not the Sirius people admired.

"Please", he said, "don't be sad… I want you to be happy." He blushed, but Sirius didn't notice. Instead, he jumped out of the couch, standing in front of Remus on the floor.

"Stand up", he said softly. Remus obeyed without thinking, although he thought Sirius's behavior was a bit peculiar. Sirius smiled, then put his arms around him.

"Thank you", he whispered. Remus felt the shadow of Sirius's spine under his hands, and shuddered. Sirius did not let go of him.

"It's strange" he said, one hand stroking Remus's hair, "that this is the body of a werewolf… Isn't it? You're so soft, so thin…you couldn't harm a fly. Still, while transformed, you could kill people. Eat…"

"Please don't talk like that", Remus begged. "I just wish I was like you or James - _normal_."

Sirius looked into his eyes, still holding him close.

"No" he said slowly, "you wouldn't want to be me…nobody would like that…Anyway", he continued, ending the embrace, "I'm off to bed now. Coming?" Remus shook his head absent-mindedly, not sure what he was doing.

"No, I'm sleeping in here tonight…I mean, I'm not tired yet, but I'll come later. Yes."

"Alright." Sirius smiled at him, then caressed his cheek softly.

"Goodnight, Remus."


	5. Lily's advice

Chapter five: Lily's advice 

A few days passed, and Sirius and James managed to mess up Professor Dumbledore's class so much that they both had detention with him on the same night. Peter was in the Hospital Wing, unconscious after an extremely unfortunate encounter with a Hippogriff, and Remus found himself alone in the common room with Lily. James had told them before he and Sirius left that they would probably be kept busy for as long as Dumbledore could stand them, given how furious he had been as they had turned his desk into a zebra ("And a very neat zebra too", Sirius had added.). Remus couldn't help feeling a bit jealous, but he knew this was just stupid and forced himself to forget about it. Being alone with Lily made him feel slightly uncomfortable, and he tried not to look at her. She was reading a book, apparently some Muggle novel, and he wondered whether it would be wise to simply leave her alone with it.

"So", Lily said suddenly and put her book away. "I'm sure you have something you want to discuss with me, Remus." He felt his body stiffen and said, startled:

"What – me? No, I don't think I've…" Lily smiled.

"Look, it's not wrong to feel like that… He _is_ very handsome." Remus blushed, afraid someone might overhear their conversation.

"Don't – I mean, people could hear you…!" She laughed.

"We're the only ones in here, Remus!"

"But", he said as a terrible thought struck him, "James has got an Invisibility Cloak…"

"James is having detention, and I'm very sure no one would bother to steal the cloak just to lurk in here all night. Listen, I've been meaning to talk to you about this ever since Christmas. You're in love with Sirius, aren't you?" Remus thought he would sink through the floor, his body hot and cold at the same time.

"Yes", he whispered. Lily beamed at him.

"That's lovely", she said. "And if you want my advice, I think you should tell him right away."

"But I couldn't possibly…!" She sighed, looking a bit tired.

"Okay, let me put it straight. For God's sake, he's kissed you twice! I am _very_ sure he's just as mad about you as you are about him." Remus's heart beat faster at the thought of Sirius, in love with him… But that was, of course, nothing but a figment of the imagination.

"Do you think so", he asked. Lily nodded.

"Go tell him, Remus", she said, her wondrous green eyes meeting his. "He's probably on his way back right now." Remus got to his feet, feeling dizzy.

"Alright" he said in a shaky voice. "Alright, I'll do it." Lily smiled reassuringly, and as he climbed out of the portrait-hole, he saw her walking up the stairs to the Girls' dormitories, singing to herself. Remus tumbled into the deserted corridor outside the tower, walking in silence towards Dumbledore's classroom.

He was lucky not to meet anyone – it was a very cold night, even indoors, and people were probably drinking hot cocoa in front of their fireplaces right now, even members of the staff. In his chest, his heart pounded madly, and Remus knew very well why. He wasn't far away from Sirius now.

At that moment, he stopped still, the beating of his heart dying away instantly. Almost hidden behind a blood-red, velvet curtain hanging from the ceiling were James and Sirius. At first, he couldn't even see them properly, just knew, as if by instinct… They were entwined, the most perfect couple, kissing passionately. Remus suddenly felt very ill. They were so wonderfully alike, people always said that, both of them pretty and raven-haired, like twins born into the world just to be with each other. How could he have thought that Sirius would feel anything at all for him? This was, after all, what he had always feared. They were simply standing there, not caring if they were spotted, holding each other so close he thought he might begin to cry, or scream… Inside him, the werewolf awoke, blinded by hatred against that boy, who had everything and still had to take the only one Remus cared about…

But the full moon was far away, and Remus Lupin was nothing but a sad boy who had just seen all his dreams crushed into pieces. He turned away, walking slowly, then running faster, until he was back in Gryffindor Tower and in his bed, pretending to be asleep as he heard them enter the room twenty minutes later. He wasn't able to sleep at all that night.


	6. A friendship sadly lost

Chapter six: A friendship sadly lost 

In the morning Sirius, wearing nothing but a pair of pyjama trousers, his hair very messy, patted him gently on the shoulder and told him to wake up.

"Come on, Rem, we've got Transfiguration in thirty minutes." Remus didn't answer, but couldn't help showing he was hearing every word.

"What's going on?" James's voice, he was standing beside Sirius now… Remus wanted to hex him right there, but realized it would be nothing but childish.

"I don't know" Sirius said, apparently worried. "Listen, Rem…" His hand rested on Remus's shoulder now, the fingers thin and soft. Without looking at the other two, Remus said:

"I – I won't attend any classes today. I don't feel well, okay?" Sirius sighed.

"Alright, I'll tell the teachers… You don't think it would be best to go to the Hospital Wing?" Remus felt bad, as he heard the kind, caring tone in Sirius's voice – this was the Sirius he loved so much he could die…

"No", he said shortly, remembering what he had witnessed last night. "I need some rest, that's all."

"Okay", Sirius said, stroking his hair. Remus turned his head quickly, and heard both James and Sirius disappear. He had never felt so bad in his life.

He waited until he was alone in the dorm, then got dressed and practiced a few unpleasant spells on his own socks (he thought seriously of bewitching some of James's stuff, but once again realized this would be frighteningly childish behavior). It was very quiet in the room, and after a while, he huddled himself up on the window-sill and looked out at the beautiful winter landscape outside. His thoughts wandered their own ways, and although it was painful, he couldn't stop thinking about James and Sirius kissing each other in the middle of the night. There was one horrible consequence he hadn't had time to think upon until now – the fact that James had cheated on Lily, which meant that he himself now knew about something that concerned her. Would it be right to tell her, or was this something that only James had the right to explain to her? He sure had a lot of explaining to do…

Remus was almost falling asleep, with his head against the cold window, when the door opened and Sirius hurried towards him with an uncertain smile.

"Feeling better?" he said, seeking Remus's eyes. Remus refused to look at him.

"Nothing's happened, right?" Sirius frowned. "I don't understand why you…"

"I _saw_ you, Sirius!" They looked straight into each other's eyes. Sirius seemed puzzled.

"What are you talking about?" Remus turned his eyes away quickly.

"How could you? I mean, why did he…Doesn't he care at all about Lily's feelings?"

Sirius went very pale. He sat down on the nearest bed, looking miserable.

"You're talking about me and James, aren't you? Rem, please… It wasn't what it looked like!" Remus laughed ironically.

"Oh really? You think I'm stupid enough to believe that?" Sirius looked at him, on the verge of tears now.

"Just let me explain…" Remus felt a little bad, seeing Sirius like this. But he saw in the other boy's eyes, that there was no good explanation to why he and James had acted like lovers all of a sudden, that it was nothing but a question of simple desire…

"I'm glad Lily didn't see you", he said, leaving Sirius and the Tower.


	7. Tears of blood

_**Chapter seven: Tears of blood**_

He rushed out of Gryffindor Tower, beginning to cry the moment he was alone. What an insufferable cry-baby he was, acting like this just because Sirius… He sniffed, knowing so very well why tears were streaming down his cheeks. In Sirius's beautiful eyes, he had seen the reason why James and Sirius just couldn't keep their hands off each other. They both liked it. Whatever it was that tempted them – physical attraction, the fear of getting caught, the excitement of some boy on boy action or just…love? Remus clutched his fingers at the wall, wanting them to bleed… He had always been much closer to Sirius than to James, who could be terribly arrogant at times, and even now, he couldn't hate Sirius as much as he did James. In his mind, various desperate explanations to what he had witnessed had established themselves – James had forced Sirius into making out with him like that, James was in love with Sirius and happened to know something so horrible about Sirius that Sirius had to do whatever James commanded him to do – but Remus was sure Sirius had nothing awful to hide, and he was also quite sure that James was, despite it all, very much in love with Lily.

Still crying, hiding behind a very ugly statue in a deserted corridor emptied of both ghosts and portraits, Remus wondered what would have happened if he had never seen that intimate scene from last night. He would have found Sirius – alone – and told him what he felt for him. Yes, he was sure he would have said it, given how encouraged he had been by Lily's words. And then? Sirius, perhaps smiling a little, telling him in a very kind voice that no, the feelings where not returned, because sadly, Sirius was in love with someone else… Remus shuddered to think of it. If he had told Sirius, their friendship would have been over. How could it continue, with Sirius knowing the embarrassing, unbearable truth…?

"How very peculiar…Looks like the tables are turned, Lupin." Remus looked up, not bothering to dry his eyes. Snape observed him scornfully, standing a few feet away.

"Have your friends been mean to you?" he asked, pretending to be nice.

"I really don't know if we are friends anymore", Remus said, forgetting who he was talking to. Snape smiled mockingly.

"Oh dear…You must feel terrible." Remus sniffed miserably.

"I do…and it's Lily too, I don't know what to…" Snape looked very amused.

"So sad to hear it, Lupin. You do look devastated." Remus looked straight into his eyes.

"You think it's funny, don't you? But I'm not like them and I will never be. They come from these rich families in nice houses, and I'm just poor and ugly… They're probably laughing behind my back right now." Snape turned his face away.

"At least you're a pure-blood", he said in a low voice, hurrying down the corridor. Remus frowned, not quite understanding what Snape had meant. In his head, James was laughing at him, and Sirius was everywhere, his eyes sad and knowing everything… And Remus had still left to figure out what he was going to tell Lily.


	8. The right to know

Chapter eight: The right to know 

As the days went by, both Lily and Peter began to understand something had changed. Remus no longer talked to James and Sirius, and the pair of them often wandered off together. Of course, this was not very unusual – but even people outside their tight little circle noticed how Remus avoided his friends while at least Sirius sought every opportunity to speak to him. Lily was clever enough (Peter, as always, acted out of plain cowardice) not to try and bring this up while they were all present, even though Remus was sure James had fed her with some lies.

After Thursday's last lesson, Potions, Remus hurried off, avoiding everyone. He saw James and Sirius walking past him, James with his arm around Sirius's shoulder, and the sight made his blood seethe. Determined not to let them know he'd seen them, he stopped and turned back towards the dungeons. There were no more lessons today, he had no plans made whatsoever…could as well be down here as anywhere else, really…

"Remus!" Lily stopped in front of him, carrying a few books, looking happy and excited. He managed a faint smile.

"I've been waiting to talk to you", she said, beaming. "How did it go?" He stared at her, not sure what she was talking about.

"W-what?" Lily laughed, almost dropping her books.

"Oh, don't be silly…With _Sirius_, of course!" Remus turned away instantly.

"Unfortunately", he said bitterly, "it wasn't a very good idea after all." Lily's smile died away, and she looked absolutely devastated.

"Oh, Remus…I'm so sorry!" He shrugged his shoulders, but in his mind, he was already busy with something that didn't concern him and his problems. Perhaps this was the moment to tell Lily what James had done, that he had betrayed her…

"Lily, there's something you… ought to know." She looked very surprised.

"What's that?" Remus looked into her green eyes, seeing that she had no suspicions whatsoever that James might be unfaithful to her. To her, and to basically everyone else, James and her were a truly happy, sweet young couple. He realized she had never, although she was very bright, suspected James might be involved in anything that would make him cheat on her. And why would she? James would, obviously, not leave Lily whatever happened between him and Sirius…

"Remus – what?" she urged, puzzled and mildly worried. He smiled reassuringly.

"Nothing", he said, leaving before she had any chance to reply.


	9. A chat with James

Chapter nine: A chat with James 

The next evening, Remus sat all by himself in the Library, trying to ignore the fact that he hadn't spoken to a living soul for five hours (which would have been understandable if he had been at home, but Hogwarts was crowded with people he knew at least well enough to say 'hi'.). At the moment, he had placed himself in a deserted corner, piles of books hiding him from anyone who might like a word about nothing. He had been busy doing homework since supper, and a few teachers had stared distrustfully at the sight of him during these long hours, apparently wondering what had split the Marauders well enough to make one of them spend his free time in the Library. Remus didn't care what they thought. He read the books almost aggressively, and wrote his essay on "Famous Scottish Wizards Of Our Time" in such an irritated manner that the quill went right through the parchment in a few places. He had finished his essays in Arithmancy, Defense Against The Dark Arts, Potions and Transfiguration, and was now finishing this one in Magical History. It wasn't even complicated, just boring, and as a sudden difficulty arose when he had thought it'd be all over, Remus took a deep breath before going to get a book containing the information he lacked. He realized it must be late – the Library was as good as empty, which suited him just fine. The shelf with books about Scottish Witches and Wizards was very close to his table, luckily, and he began searching it looking for titles with the name "Achrony" in them. There didn't seem to be that many, really…

"Oh, hello, Remus." He looked up, startled. In front of him, with one hand nonchalantly resting on a bookshelf, was James. Remus noticed that he was, surprisingly, alone.

"What are you doing here?" James smiled at the sharp tone in Remus's voice.

"Now, my dear Remus, do you call that friendly? I'm studying, just like you." He laughed, as if this was a preposterous thought, then continued:

"Mind if I join you at your table? We need to talk, you know." Remus nodded, then went over to the table, pretending not to care whether James followed. They sat down facing each other – Remus felt stupid as he saw James glance at his rolled up essays, but decided to ignore it. James looked around – apparently checking that they were alone – and said:

"I know why you're avoiding us, and in my opinion, you should give it a rest." Remus looked into his eyes, wanting to shout at him for being an arrogant know-it-all.

"Why would I?" he asked, keeping his voice down. "You're cheating on Lily and you don't seem to care at all." James shook his head.

"Look, I'm not cheating on her… I love her. Me and Sirius…Well, we're having a bit of fun sometimes and I think it's up to us if we want to do so." Remus felt sick as he heard this.

"I'm not surprised _you_ don't care about her feelings…but Sirius…he just wouldn't act like that." James laughed, giving Remus a short look of pity.

"Idolizing him, aren't you? Listen, Sirius likes it and I like it, and besides, he's not a girl, so it's not cheating." James said this in a very self-assure way, clearly sure he had done nothing wrong. Remus loathed, and envied, him.

"Have you kissed other people without her knowledge as well?" James stared at him, then smiled like he had never heard anything more naïve than that question.

"Honestly, Remus…you actually think we haven't done more than that?" Remus felt as if someone had hit him hard with something very heavy, he couldn't think… James looked at him, amused, then rose from the table.

"I should be going", he said, eyes sparkling mischievously. "Oh, Remus, please don't be so upset" – he lowered his voice into a bare whisper – _"it's just sex."_


	10. Breaking the ice

Chapter ten: Breaking the ice 

Remus had yet another sleepless night, and as the next day moved forward he started to wonder if it wouldn't be better to forget everything he had ever felt for Sirius and accept that they were just friends. James and Lily were as sweet as ever, kissing whenever they got the chance, and Sirius was there, right beside them… Was it possible that he didn't care about how hurt Lily would be to know how James had betrayed her? Remus knew Sirius to be many things; clever, witty, sweet and caring – but also calculating, obstinate and a little selfish at times. Nevertheless, he was sure Sirius would never approve of infidelity, even if it meant he could sleep with James…

As a matter of fact, Sirius had tried to talk to him after double Transfiguration, but Remus had made up an excuse and ran for it. He simply _couldn't_ talk to Sirius right now, just watching him was unbearable, knowing what he and James had done… Still, Remus couldn't understand – when had that happened, and where? As soon as he tried to erase all images James's words had brought with them, the whole story went sharper and more vivid. He realized he would never be able to forget about it.

That day, during lunch break, Remus strode off alone to escape Sirius's sad eyes. Not many students were outdoors on days like this one, since the weather was typical for January and snow covered the grounds. Remus, though, liked winter – he loved the star-shaped snowflakes landing on his nose and the chilly air that made you appreciate your warm cloak even more… He recalled having talked about this during the break, at his home with Sirius, and Sirius had beamed at him and told him he was just like a sweet little child… Remus blushed as the depth of that memory sunk into his mind. He didn't want Sirius to think of him as a little child. He wanted to be like James, because that was obviously what turned Sirius on…

Careless of where he was going, Remus nearly bumped into a bench. It was one of many placed in the school surroundings, so that students could study outdoors on warm spring days. During winter, none of these benches used to be occupied. However, this one was.

"Oh, hello", Remus said, staring at Snape, who sat in front of him reading a heavy book. Snape glanced at him, then returned to the book. Remus saw there wasn't any snow on the bench, and that an enchanted fire sparkled on the ground in front of Snape. Clearly, the skinny Slytherin boy had spells for every occasion.

"Mind if I sit down?" Snape shook his head, and Remus sat down beside him, looking at his book with great interest.

"What are you reading?" Snape sighed, but showed him the cover. It was a very complicated spell book Remus had never seen before – probably Restricted Section stuff.

"You – you're very good at spells, aren't you? And – and Potions too." Snape stared at him.

"Look, Lupin, there are no benefits in having me as a friend so why do you keep trying?" Remus met his black eyes.

"You don't become friends with people to have benefits – at least, I don't."

"You're foolish, then." Remus smiled, unable to be angry with Snape even if he was both rude and insensitive.

"Yeah, I guess." There was a moment of silence. Then Snape said, hesitantly:

"So…shall I take it that you're still not on friendly terms with that lot you usually hang around with?" Remus sighed, his gaze lost in the lilac flames of the enchanted fire.

"No, we haven't sorted things out yet. Um…listen…the other day, you said something about being pure-blood. Is that the reason you feel so miserable? Because being pure-blood isn't at all important, you know." Snape looked at him, his eyes darkening.

"Isn't it? I'm sure that's an easy thing for you to say, born into the right family…" Remus smiled sarcastically.

"There's nothing 'right' about the Lupins… We may be pure-bloods, but we haven't got two pennies to rub together." Snape nodded shortly.

"Well, I'm not like you, Lupin, and to me, blood is everything. There's nothing that is more shameful than having a Muggle father." Frightened by Snape's hateful words, Remus took his hand and exclaimed:

"Please don't talk like that! I just wish I knew how to help you…" Snape gave him a look of surprise and drew back his hand. With one quick movement, the enchanted fire was put out and then it vanished completely.

"I've got Defense Against The Dark Arts now, but…I guess we'll see each other around." He left, hurrying away towards the doors of the Castle. Remus saw the book was still beside him on the bench, looking so heavy he was surprised anyone would even think of carrying it from the Library and to their dormitory.

"You forgot your book!" Snape stopped still, then came back instantly. Remus got up, passing him the book as soon as he was close enough. Snape smiled faintly.

"Thanks." And as he walked away for the second time, Remus couldn't help noticing he looked a little bit happier than before.


	11. Sirius' promise

Chapter eleven: Sirius's promise 

After their last class that day, Astronomy, Remus left in a hurry just as he had made a habit of doing. During the class he had been paired up with Peter, and he wasn't at all surprised they had been failed. James and Sirius, on the other hand, had got results that had convinced the Professor they would both become great astronomers one day. "Together", Remus thought bitterly, "always the two of them together…"

He went down the stairs leading from the tower, a bit proud of himself since he was way ahead of the others. Now, he would simply have to go to the Library and do his homework, and surely, Sirius wouldn't be able to find him for the rest of the evening…

In that moment, just as he walked into a deserted corridor on the fourth floor, somebody grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him into an empty room. Remus stared at Sirius, who didn't seem to care at all about how strange he acted.

"How did you…?" Remus didn't finish the question, realizing it wasn't very important after all. Sirius always seemed to be ahead of him, why wouldn't he be now?

"Look, Rem, I'm sure you know that I've tried to talk to you for a couple of days now…You can't go on like this, avoiding me, you know… James told me he had spoken to you." Remus looked into his eyes, unable to hide his feelings.

"Yes", he said sharply, "he told me a few things… Honestly, Sirius, don't you see that I just can't…can't forget my two best friends have slept with each other?" Sirius went very pale – but he didn't try to make any pathetic excuses.

"It's true" he said in a low voice. "But it happened once, I won't blame James or say I was drunk or anything, even if I was – but please, Rem, both James and I agree that it was stupid and that we won't…" Remus laughed ironically.

"Really? James seemed quite pleased with the arrangement – whenever he gets tired of his girlfriend, he can have a boy instead…" Sirius sat down on the teacher's desk, looking weary and a little sad. Remus felt pity for him, but didn't show it.

"Remus… I've already told James this, and I know you're loathing me right now, you have every right to be mad at me…but _please,_ if I promise you that I will never touch him again, couldn't we be friends?" He seemed about to say something more, but apparently figured he'd better not. At that moment, Remus wished himself back a few weeks ago, back into Sirius's arms that night in the common room…

"I don't know, Sirius", he said shortly, flickering images of James and Sirius together occupying his mind. "I just don't know yet." Sirius nodded.

"Okay", he said. "I understand. But Remus, I…I just want you to know, that tomorrow, I'll think about you all night… I can't stand the thought of you alone in that place… _never."_

He left, hurrying down the corridor. Remus looked after him until he was gone. He knew what Sirius had talked about. The moon was growing, he felt it inside, and tomorrow night it would be full again… And for yet another time, Remus Lupin would become a werewolf.


	12. The beast attacks

_**Chapter twelve: The beast attacks**_

He felt a little uneasy the next morning – that was the first sign. The moon was teasing him, mocking him, and there was nothing he could do but wait. One night, then it would be over for this time. Remus hated it. He had never forgiven the werewolf who had bitten him – Greyback – and he never would. Luckily, Remus had never bitten anyone himself, although it had been pretty close a couple of times. Sirius had once told him it was a good thing, despite it all, that Greyback had chosen him and not anyone else. "Me", Sirius had said with an encouraging smile, "I would have been dangerous." But Remus knew Sirius said so just to comfort him, and also told him that any werewolf was a terrible creature desiring nothing but to tear human flesh apart and draw blood. Sirius hugged him then, like he used to when he didn't know what to say, like he had used to do ever since they had gotten closer to each other in their second year. People who didn't know Sirius often thought him to be ignorant to other people's feelings, even reckless, but they were so wrong…

In the evening, Remus's stomach ached since he was so nervous, and he began to fear he would transform before he was in the Shrieking Shack, perhaps attacking someone… As he sat in the Great Hall next to Peter and Sirius, he felt so sick he couldn't eat at all. Sirius cast worried looks at his plate, but apparently didn't dare to tell him he must eat something.

All of a sudden, with a stern expression on his face, James sat down in front of them. Remus could tell he was upset. At the far end of the table, Lily had just sat herself down with some of her female classmates. She ignored the four Marauders completely; her face was as tense as James's.

"You did tell her, then", Sirius said in a low voice, looking at James.

"Yeah." James smiled sarcastically. "She wasn't pleased, you know." He then lowered his voice until it was barely audible, and said, his eyes meeting Sirius's:

"Um, actually…I really would…like to…if we could just, Sirius, if we could talk…in private, and…" Remus went cold. He understood James perfectly, knew he didn't mean _talk_… Sirius, obviously, knew this too. He glanced at Remus a few times, then looked into James's eyes and said:

"No, I can't right now…I'm really sorry, but I…you know, homework…" James seemed truly disappointed.

"Alright", he said grumpily, starting to eat his pie. "But if you want a piece of advice, then avoid her as much as possible. She was really furious."

"Yeah, of course", Sirius said. "Of course she was."

The landscape darkened slowly, night moving closer for each breath he took. Remus was outside the school, and like every other full moon night he was accompanied by Professor Dumbledore and his three friends. In front of them, the Whomping Willow stood like a fierce giant, awaiting prey. Remus felt Sirius's body so close, since they were standing in a tight little circle, Dumbledore in front of the four boys. The old teacher seemed happy and cheerful just like always, but it didn't make Remus feel at all better. The beast in him was so close to the surface now he thought he saw with its eyes and smelled with its nose, because what Remus smelled wasn't the sweet scent of Sirius's hair, but the intoxicating promise of fresh, warm blood running through his veins…

"Can we please hurry, Professor", he said as he realized what was about to happen. Dumbledore didn't need to be told twice.

"Come, Remus", he said, moving towards the Willow. "Peter, if you will…?" Peter understood perfectly, and transformed himself in front of the others, then pushing the button on the tree to stop it from harming anyone. Dumbledore went into the tunnel, and Remus followed him, his heart beating madly at the thought of Sirius's blood sparkling in the light of a chandelier… Just as he was going into the tunnel, he turned around, running towards Sirius who was the only one left; both Peter and James had already started to walk back to the Castle again.

"Wait!" Remus said, stopping in front of his friend. Sirius looked a little worried.

"What?" Remus was silent for a moment – then he put his arms around Sirius and embraced him, the beast wanting to tear this beautiful boy's jugular open and suck the life out of him…

"Stay in the dorm tonight" Remus begged, his lips against Sirius's neck. Sirius patted his back lightly.

"Why do you ask me to?" he whispered. Remus looked into his eyes, desperately, on the verge of tears.

"Just do it" he said. "I would kill myself if anything…if I…just promise, Sirius…" Sirius stroked his cheek – the werewolf shuddered with pleasure, feeling the touch of its prey, noticing how soft that pale skin was…

"I promise" Sirius said. "And I'll think about you all night, Rem." He blushed, then walked towards the Castle without looking back. Remus went back to the Willow, into the tunnel with Dumbledore, who later made sure the dangerous creature he was turning into was safely locked up inside the Shrieking Shack. Remus waited in the darkness, scared, shivering in the cool night air. Sirius was the only one on his mind, his softness, his sweet smile and his wondrous eyes…then, Remus's eyes were shadowed slowly, his body changed, and all he could think of was blood and flesh, mutilating children and devouring human body parts. The last, sad glimpse of the true Remus Lupin died with the first howling roar of the werewolf – its frustrated cry of hunger echoing over Hogsmeade in the glowing light of the moon, after a few seconds reaching the ears of a raven-haired handsome boy sitting on the window-sill in one of the Gryffindor dorms at Hogwarts, salty tears streaming down his cheeks as he remembered what he had earlier promised the only one he really cared about.


	13. Mute pain

_**Chapter thirteen: Mute pain**_

Light. It was intense, cold, leaving a feeling in his skull as if it was pierced by bolts of fire. Remus tilted his head a little, but had to give it up – the pain was terrible. He didn't know where he was, but he was sure he was back to normal again; the thought of ripping human limbs to pieces now sickened him. Remus never remembered anything from his werewolf nights, which was relieving, but he couldn't understand why he was in such pain he wasn't even able to move. Had the werewolf himself been attacked? It seemed strange – he had after all been locked up all night, away from other creatures.

Slowly, he managed to close his eyes and re-open them a few times, until his view became clearer. He saw empty, strictly made beds in rows, a tiled floor and, right beside him, a neat table on which a tray with various bottles and bandages was placed. Of course. Somebody – Dumbledore? – had found him wounded and brought him here. Just in case, because surely, it couldn't be anything serious…

Suddenly, without any kind of warning, the young Miss Pomfrey was at his side, her hands shaking as she put another bottle on the tray.

"Oh dear, Professor Dumbledore", she said, sobbing. "The poor boy, I think he's with us again…" Remus looked at her, wondering, then saw Dumbledore come to the other side of the bed and turned to him instead. The bearded professor didn't show his worries, if he had any – he was his usual, calm and friendly self, smiling gently at his young student.

"Good morning, Remus" he said. "Or, I _should_ say, Good night." Remus tried to answer, to ask what Dumbledore meant, but no matter how hard he tried, he wasn't able to talk… His throat felt as if it had been torn open and then badly cured with magic, and he was filled with panic as he realized he might never be able to speak again…

"Oh my god, Professor, he can't talk! It's…it's awful…!" Miss Pomfrey put one hand to her mouth, and Dumbledore patted her on the shoulder.

"Now, now, Poppy, no need to get hysterical. The boy will be out of here in no time." Remus's eyes moved from one face to another – Dumbledore's calm expression and Pomfrey's eyes, red and swollen with tears. He had not yet been told what had happened to him, why he was lying here in a pain worse than anything he had ever experienced, apart from that dark night when he had become a creature of the night…

"Well, Poppy", Dumbledore said in a cheerful voice to the nurse, "I'm off now, after all, we know young Remus here is in no danger whatsoever…His friends can come and see him if they like, obviously." He disappeared, whistling a happy tune. Pomfrey blew her nose, carefully avoiding to even glance at Remus.

"No danger!" she snorted. "No danger! The poor child…those bites…he could have died!"


	14. Waiting in the wings

_**Chapter fourteen: Waiting in the wings**_

Remus slept all night and a few day hours too, thanks to a sleeping potion Pomfrey had given him before leaving him in the Hospital Wing the previous night. Fortunately, he felt a little better – he couldn't really tell where it hurt the most, but it seemed as if his arms had received bites of some sort. Pomfrey had bandaged them neatly, which in a way irritated him; he _wanted_ to see with his own eyes what he looked like, wanted to confront the truth. A strange fear awoke inside him – if his face was ruined – not that he was handsome, like James and Sirius, but he didn't look bad either – if his face was ruined, then the chances of Sirius falling in love with him would be absolutely zero. Not that Sirius was shallow, but everybody likes what's pretty and detests ugliness. Remus turned a little in his bed, hoping desperately he didn't have cuts all over his cheeks or his teeth crushed – but he could as a matter of fact feel he still had both teeth and tongue, and as he twisted his face to see if anything had happened to it everything felt like it usually did. He sank back onto the pillow, breathing slowly, thinking of Sirius kissing him, everywhere… Only a few moments later, Remus had fallen asleep again.

He woke up suddenly just an hour later, dizzy with excitement thanks to his stupid, wonderful dream… Sirius had been there, of course – yes, Sirius had been there…

"Oh my god, Remus… Dumbledore didn't tell me it was…" Remus looked up, startled to see Sirius stare at him from the doorway. His hair was ruffled and his shirt unbuttoned – how come none of the teachers had noticed and told him to button it? Remus's eyes followed Sirius, who closed the door without a sound, as he hurried towards the bed and then sat down by Remus's side. Remus saw there were tears sparkling on his pale cheeks.

"Have you had any sleep at all?" Sirius asked in a low, worried voice. Remus tried to speak, but wasn't able to yet – all he could manage was a hissing sound. Sirius let their fingertips touch, carefully, and Remus remembered his dream with a shiver.

"Professor Dumbledore" Sirius whispered, "he told me… He said you had tried to kill yourself." Remus stared at him.

"The werewolf, I mean", Sirius added hastily, glancing nervously around him as if he was afraid someone had heard. "Your wrists…Oh, Rem…" He stroked Remus's cheek, letting his hand rest there. Before he had had the time to think, Remus tilted his head slightly, touching Sirius's little finger with his lips, and then the other fingers, slowly. Sirius stroked him again, and they didn't say anything for a while. It was their touching that mattered. Then, carefully, Sirius removed his hand, and Remus knew he would begin to speak again.

"I'm so glad they found you", Sirius said, looking down and blushing a little. "You were lying on the floor in the Shack, Dumbledore told me…motionless…" He reached for Remus's hand, then changed his mind and said, his eyes brighter than before:

"I know! Just a little spell will do…" Remus wanted to warn him, believing he would try and heal a wound or something; but instead, Sirius conjured a magic quill out of thin air and put it in Remus's hand.

"There, write" he said, "if there's anything you'd like to… I mean, I only thought you'd…"

But Remus smiled sadly, and then he started to write in the air. Sirius watched in silence, waiting until the message was ready and written. The one sentence before the two boys' eyes now said, in Remus's neat handwriting:

"Do I look ugly?" They looked at each other – Remus was frightened Sirius would laugh at him, tell him that of course he was… But Sirius leaned down, and kissed Remus on the cheek softly.

"I love you", he whispered. Then, before Remus had the time to write a new message, before he had the time to do anything at _all_ - Sirius was gone.


	15. A slip of the tongue?

_**Chapter fifteen: A slip of the tongue?**_

Not even a week later, Remus was back in Gryffindor Tower again. He could still feel where his own werewolf fangs had sunk deep into his skin, but luckily, Pomfrey had healed him so well that no scars were visible. His voice was back, too – he had asked Sirius if it had changed since his throat had been slashed, but Sirius had promised him he was just as usual in every way. Yet, of course, he wasn't, and he knew it had nothing to do with the werewolf attack.

Sirius had told him he loved him. Sirius had come to see him as often as he could, sitting by his side, telling him there was nothing to worry about, nothing at all… Remus had never seen his friend act like that before, and he couldn't help remembering with a smile of pure malicious delight that once in their fourth year, when James was hit by a bludger during the Quidditch final, Sirius had chosen to write his essay on Medieval Astronomy rather than visiting him. Yeah, Sirius had actually said James always got himself hurt and that it never ever was as serious as he made it out to be…

Something had changed in the Tower, and Remus of course noticed it immediately. James and Lily were back together again. Nevertheless, they surely weren't as lovey-dovey as they had been before James's infidelity – James now made sure not to cling on to Sirius as much as before, and Lily watched his every move with suspicion. On the night of his return to the Tower, Lily came up to Remus and told him she wanted a word in private.

"I'm afraid I need it" she said grimly, as they sat down in an empty room in the nearby corridor. Lily seemed tired, and her green eyes weren't as vivid as usual.

"As you know, James told me everything, and foolish as I am – I have forgiven him." She smiled ironically, then continued:

"Anyway, what I really wanted to say was… Oh, Remus, now I understand everything about you and Sirius! And I just want you to know that it's not Sirius's fault. James is…Well, I guess he's in love with his own bisexuality, or whatever he calls it. Taking a walk on the wild side suits him, he's always been like that." Remus shrugged a little.

"What did you tell him?" he asked in a low voice.

"You know, I don't object to him liking boys and I told him that, that I don't care what he fantasizes about as long as he stays true to me. He just doesn't think, doesn't know how to take consequences… And, to tell you the truth, Remus, I told James I believe you and Sirius are in love." Remus sprang to his feet, staring at her.

"What?" He sat down again, his heart beating madly at the thought of Sirius.

"Yeah" Lily said as if wasn't anything extraordinary at all. "He didn't see that one coming, I can tell you." Remus actually put his hand on her arm, as he had never done before, and said:

"But…But why did you tell him that? Sirius doesn't… I mean, we haven't…" He realized how hopeless he sounded, and blushed. Lily seemed to read his thoughts.

"Oh, honestly", she said. "I know, James knows, I'm sure even Peter does. Sirius was worried sick when you were lying alone in the Hospital Wing, and…" There seemed to be something else she was about to say, but she stopped herself and Remus didn't bother to ask. His mind was too preoccupied with what everyone seemed to shout in his face – Sirius had said it himself, Lily had told him at least twice and she wasn't going to give it a rest even if she had her own problems to sort out. Remus felt confused. If he had been brave enough to follow his heart's desire, he would have rushed into Sirius's arms and stayed there, but Remus Lupin had never been brave. He looked into Lily's eyes, wanting words of advice, wanting to know what to do. But he saw Lily wasn't able to tell him. She smiled reassuringly, then rose from her chair and headed for the door. Her red hair glittered in the fading sunlight.

"You know I'm right, don't you?" she said before she left. Remus remained sitting alone in the darkening room for at least half an hour, thinking about what she had said and why he just didn't dare to explain his feelings to Sirius.

When he returned to the Common Room, he found there was no one there. At first, he was puzzled – then, he remembered what the time had been when he and Lily had left, and quickly headed for the dormitory. Everything was black around him, and he had to smile at himself for being a werewolf afraid of the dark. All the corners and small spaces made him think of what it would be like to hide in there with Sirius, and he realized he was about to go mad, every thought in his head focusing of Sirius smiling, Sirius laughing, Sirius sleeping, Sirius with his clothes on and Sirius with his clothes off…

"Oh, hi, Remus." In front of him was James, a white toothbrush dangling from the corner of his mouth. He wore nothing but his striped pyjama trousers, and was standing in the doorway of their dorm, his hair ruffled. Remus thought he acted a bit odd, and knew only too well why.

"Is Sirius there?", he asked, then bit his tongue immediately. It was a stupid question, which James's annoying little smile confirmed only too well.

"Where else would he be?" he said, nodding in the direction of Sirius's bed and letting Remus pass him. Remus went inside, and James closed the door. The other six boys in the dorm, including Peter and Sirius, were lying in their beds reading, chatting or trying to fall asleep. Remus went to his bed, took off his shoes and climbed into the bed. Sirius, who had the four-poster next to him, had closed the curtains around him, but the light was on and Remus knew he was awake. For a while he waited, hoping Sirius would at least say goodnight, while James was strutting around brushing his teeth, flashing his muscular chest at the same time. Some minutes later, Remus closed the curtains around his four-poster and began to undress. He knew it was stupid – still, he felt truly disappointed that Sirius hadn't even asked him where he had been. When he had been in the Hospital Wing, Sirius had really tried to look after him, to make sure he was okay… now, it seemed he didn't care at all. Remus slipped down between the sheets, determined not to think about it at all. Still, it was stuck in his head until he managed to fall asleep, and then followed him around all night like a sweet, sticky nightmare.


	16. Snape's discovery

**A/N: I've been told afterwards by several people that it wasn't like this in the books, that it was Sirius who told Snape to go inside the tunnel… But that just doesn't fit into _this _story, Sirius would never do that. It's very irritating that I wrote it this way though, but I simply can't change it. **

Chapter sixteen: Snape's discovery 

The next day, he got up before everyone else. He didn't know why – even as he was standing in the shower, cold water spraying over his naked shoulders, he was swaying because of exhaustion. Most of all, he wanted to return to his bed, to close his eyes and sleep for at least one more hour. That was when the others would awake with a simultaneous yawn, some of them (like Sirius, Remus knew him so well) heading straight for the showers, others ignoring the morning sun, sleeping as long as they possibly could. He himself used to be up by the time Sirius returned from his morning shower, his black hair wet and his eyes sparkling, a small towel round his slim waist… Remus sighed at his own hopelessness, then turned the temperature of the water down to freezing for a while to punish himself for thinking about things like that. _I shouldn't picture him at all_, he thought, _and I should definitely not_ _picture him showering…_ He turned the water off and went for his towel, which he had thrown on a chair in the changing room. Embarrassingly enough, he actually felt nervous as he walked back into the dorm, despite the fact that none of the others were even awake. A glance at Sirius's bed – curtains closed, no sign of movement – then he got dressed as quickly as possible and grabbed his bag. There was always a book in there, for educational purposes or otherwise, and even if he didn't read all the time he liked knowing that if he ever got bored, there was always something he could do when he was not surrounded by people.

A few minutes later, Remus had cuddled up on the sill of a huge window in one of the lower corridors, his warm cloak draped around him. He was resting the back of his head against the stone wall, eyes scanning the pages of a thrilling vampire novel set in 19th century London. Everybody else seemed to be sleeping, from the first-years to the Headmaster, and this made Hogwarts seem like a totally different place. He had never experienced this kind of peace, even in those rare days he had been at home on his own, and he actually liked it quite a lot. Sirius haunted him, of course, but it had been like that for several days now. The vampires in the book had just found themselves a rent boy and now shared his blood between them – Remus found it very exciting, but at the same time revolting because he knew only too well how it felt to desire the blood of others…

In that moment, steps echoed in the stairs leading down to the dungeons, and Remus turned his head to see who dared to disturb him this early. Almost rushing past him, face chalk white and fingers clutching a tatty Potions schoolbook, was Snape. Strangely, Remus felt relieved.

"Oh, hello", he said in a very friendly way. "Where are you going?" Snape stopped still in front of him, staring, then saying in a low voice:

"Good morning. I'm not going anywhere in particular, actually." Immediately, he seemed to regret this answer, but the damage was done. Remus moved his bag, making a bit of space on the window-sill.

"Climb up here" he smiled. "I wasn't able to sleep either." Snape shook his head, his black eyes flickering nervously. Remus wondered if anything had happened to him.

"I'm off to the library", Snape said in a way that suggested he was telling a secret. Remus nodded.

"Sure", he said. "Can I come with you?" Snape sighed.

"As a matter of fact, I might have something to tell you", he said in a very low voice, leaning closer. "It's an absolute secret, of course, and I'll use a curse against you if you tell a living soul about it." Remus shrugged.

"Whatever" he said. "Tell me." Snape made sure they were alone, then adopted a very grave expression.

"Well, 'cause it has got something to do with you, or your so-called friends… I was tricked by Potter. A few days ago. Could have cost me my life." Remus stared at him.

"Did James… What did he do?" Snape was so pale he didn't even manage to smile ironically.

"He made me follow a secret passage, and I don't know why I believed him. Anyway, there was this tunnel, and it led from the Whomping Willow to…to…" Remus suddenly felt very cold. He watched Snape try to find the right words, while he himself tried to remain breathing. James had done something absolutely horrible…

"I was almost at the end", Snape continued, "and I saw…this _thing_, this beast!" – he shivered – "Then, Potter came hurrying towards me, pale as a sheet, and he took me out of there before the creature in the other end of that tunnel had seen the two of us." He paused, looking at Remus.

"It was a werewolf", he said. "A real werewolf, and it wasn't one of those living in the Forest because I've read all about them, they're much more wolf-like and they hardly ever come out of the Forest… No, I tell you – that thing was part human." Remus nodded, impressed Snape had been able to notice something like that during just a short moment. He felt so sad he wanted to cry – but he wouldn't dream of doing that in front of Snape.

"Your friends all know about it", Snape said, "because when I was back in safety on the Hogwarts grounds, the first thing I saw was Black shouting at Potter, while Pettigrew was standing aside looking miserable. Black was really mad, saying he had never thought Potter would have done something that stupid, calling him all sorts. He was absolutely furious, it was as if they had never been friends or anything." Remus looked away, one part of his mind focusing on the information concerning Sirius being mad at James while the other focused on Snape, knowing…

"Didn't you know they had a row?" Snape asked, actually sounding friendly. Remus shook his head. Now, he realized he hadn't seen James and Sirius talking to each other ever since his return from the Hospital Wing – he had thought this was just because of what James had promised Lily, but now he understood, he knew everything…

"Forget all about the werewolf" he said, looking straight into Snape's eyes. "Safety is a crucial point, and this is a one-time-mistake. Won't ever happen again." Snape gave him a look filled with suspicion.

"How come you know about this anyway? You…and your friends. Where were you when Potter almost had me killed?" Remus felt very small, cuddled up against the cold window-glass. He knew what he was going to say, knew there was no stopping himself now.

"I was…in the far end of that tunnel." He talked in a calm, soft voice. Snape wasn't stupid – he could draw conclusions and there clearly was something in Remus's voice that made him scared.

"What do you mean? How could you possibly go anywhere near that creature?" Remus smiled sadly.

"I _am_ that creature." Snape dropped his book, then quickly recollected it again and backed away a few steps.

"Oh my God", he gasped. "It was you…that was why they…I can't believe I never realized…" Remus looked at him, his eyes full of tears now. Snape bit his lip.

"I feel sorry for you, Lupin", he said, hurrying back to the dungeons again. Remus's eyes followed his departure. It was so hard to breathe, so hard to even think… He had just uttered his life's most terrible secret. A member of Slytherin house now knew he was a werewolf.

"What will happen to me?" he whispered as he thought of what his parents' would say if he was expelled, how terrible it would feel to leave the school, leave Sirius and the others… But it was Sirius alone that mattered. The thought of the handsome raven-haired boy, the thought of what he had said just a few days ago, managed to soften the poor werewolf's heart. Remus dried his eyes and smiled. For the moment, it seemed Sirius had actually made the choice between him and James a long time ago.


	17. Serious trouble

**A/N: That book Remus is reading is based on Poppy Z. Brite's wonderful novel _Lost Souls. _If you like slash, vampires, beauty and darkness, read it.**

Chapter seventeen: Serious trouble 

Eventually, Remus joined his friends for breakfast. He had almost finished his book by then, but one of the last chapters had left him feeling almost anxious and a little ill. The youngest of the vampires, a skinny boy with very blue eyes, had in the heat of the moment killed his best friend, whose blood he desired so much… Remus had read that part with tears in his eyes, remembering what he could very well have done to Sirius last full moon. _Desire,_ he told himself, _I just can't risk desiring him in that way_… What would Sirius say, if he knew? He had, of course, quite a romantic view on both vampires and werewolves, something Remus had never been able to fully understand.

It was Snape, too, the expression on his face as he told his secret still stuck in Remus's head. Strangely, Remus was far more worried that Snape would never talk to him again, than he was that Snape would tell everyone he was a monster… It didn't make sense, any of it, and as he went to the Great hall with Lily and the other Marauders, Remus realized they all thought it was a bit odd the way he had sneaked out of the dorm when he ought to be asleep, just to read a book…

"Lots of things on your mind, eh?" James said, winking as he put his arm around Lily (she pushed him away, gently, as if saying: "Not yet".). Sirius was walking between them, his eyes moving from James to Remus and back again. He was unusually quiet and thoughtful, and James's question might as well have been aimed at him. Remus looked into James's eyes, but didn't answer. He sat down with the others in the middle of the Gryffindor table, and as he did so spotted Snape in the other end of the hall. The black-clad slytherin didn't meet his gaze. Remus abandoned his attempt to catch his attention and began filling his plate instead.

"Get _off_ me!" He looked up, only to see James sit there with a guilty expression on his face while Lily moved over to some of the girls.

"Jeez…" James tried to laugh, but he actually seemed both embarrassed and confused and Remus couldn't help pitying him a little. Sirius gave his former lover (Remus hated to think about it that way) a short look. He seemed tired of it all, tired of everything and everyone.

"Don't start blaming her, James, 'cause I know you will. I can bloody well understand her if she doesn't want your hands on her all the time." James stared at him. For a moment, Remus thought he actually saw James's lower lip trembling. Sirius talked in a low voice, apparently not caring at all if he hurt his friend's feelings.

"What?" James blurted out. Remus knew this was bad, but Sirius didn't seem worried at all.

"You heard me. Just…just leave her alone for a while, okay?" He got to his feet, even though he hadn't eaten anything yet. Remus didn't dare to try and catch his eye.

"Sorry, James", Sirius said. "I mean it. I'm not myself today, I dunno what I'm saying… I ought to go to bed again, really…" Peter shook his head as if to show everyone how little he understood of what was happening, but James said, apparently forgetting Sirius had insulted him:

"But you're never ill!" Sirius smiled bitterly, then walked away without a glance back at them. James shrugged.

"Have you any idea what's the matter with him?" He turned to Remus, who blushed a little.

"No, not at all." James nodded and took a bite on his sandwich.

"He's acted really strange lately", James muttered. "I thought we were friends." Remus looked into his eyes, as he got to his feet.

"Oh, you thought the two of you were more than just friends, didn't you?" he said. Then he disappeared, leaving James to come up with some clever lie to feed Peter.

Sirius didn't take the day off to sleep – when Remus arrived to the Potions classroom for their first lesson he found Sirius was already there, along with a few of the Ravenclaws. He was going to walk over there and talk to Sirius, really talk to him – but in that moment, Professor Slughorn appeared behind the desk, and the lesson was started within a few minutes. The same thing happened all day – Remus noticed both Sirius and Snape avoided him, which was very frustrating because he really needed to speak to both of them. At the same time, Lily ignored James's apologies and sweet, tender eyes. It seemed everyone had a reason to avoid each other.


	18. The laws of attraction

Chapter eighteen: The laws of attraction 

That night, the four Marauders went to bed later than everyone else, inexplicably. Even though Remus found it difficult even to be in the same room as Sirius, he managed to do so for the whole evening, watching James and Sirius playing Wizard's Chess in the Common Room. Peter was also there, right beside him, saying nothing. At first, James and Sirius had tried not to pay any attention to each other, but then Chess reunited them again. They were both playing rather lousy this evening, but that wasn't the point. When James had won, they both got up and hugged each other without a word. Remus looked at them, feeling sad and jealous and even a little scared. But somehow, he knew they were friends again but nothing more than that. The thought just partly managed to calm him.

They entered the dorm together, keeping quiet since the four other boys in the room were apparently sleeping. Peter, whose bed was the one nearest to the door, disappeared behind the curtains of his four-poster with a short "Good night". James had the bed next to Peter's; he didn't care who saw him undress, but took his clothes off standing on the floor, displaying his muscular, yet slender body before putting on his pyjama trousers.

"G'night", he said to Remus and Sirius before going to bed, huddling himself up under the sheets like a child.

Remus went over to his bed by the window, feeling strange. He and Sirius hadn't talked all day, now they were standing on the cold floor too shy to even look at each other. Remus couldn't help wondering whether Sirius tried to ignore him because he regretted what he had said in the Hospital Wing – nothing could probably be more terrible than that.

For a split second, their eyes met. Sirius smiled a little, and Remus smiled back, hoping Sirius didn't see he was blushing. Moonlight fell upon them, making Sirius's dark hair glitter and his eyes sparkle. He had never looked so pretty before.

Then, the moment was gone. They both turned around, undressing and then putting on their pyjama trousers before hiding between the sheets. Around them, people were sleeping, perhaps even dreaming… Remus almost wondered, whether he was dreaming too.

Sirius lay watching him, his smile so shy and sweet Remus had never seen him like that before. It felt as if they were watching each other for the very first time.

"You're okay, right?" Sirius whispered. "After what happened, I mean." Remus looked into his eyes, moved by Sirius's sudden concern.

"Yeah" he said. "I'm fine." There was a short pause. Then, Sirius stretched out a little and said:  
"Good. G'night, Rem." Remus smiled at him.

"G'night, Sirius."

He turned around, closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep. Somehow, though, it was as if Sirius's presence kept him awake – he wasn't even tired anymore. The moon lit up the sky outside, making the whole world sparkling and beautiful. Sirius had smiled at him, and then there was the confession from about a week ago as well…

He turned to the other side again, hoping that would make him sleepy. Of course it didn't.

Sirius had fallen asleep, and the sheets had moved downwards during the time Remus had watched the moon. Now, Remus couldn't help but look, look at that smooth, hairless chest, the flat belly with the ribs visible through pale, delicate skin… Sirius moaned a little in his sleep, a black strand of hair falling onto his cheek. Remus turned towards the window again, closing his eyes, his whole body hot and filled with excitement. He could hear Sirius moan again, like a helpless child having nightmares. This was it – sometime soon, he would have to confront Sirius with the truth, to tell him about his feelings… They couldn't go on like this forever, exchanging shy looks every night and every day. Something had to happen.

After a while, Remus managed to fall asleep. He had a lovely expression on his face, and one of his hands almost touched the floor – as if he was reaching out for the boy sleeping so painfully close to him.


	19. Where he has been

_**Chapter nineteen: Where he has been**_

The next morning wasn't a usual one – Remus felt that immediately. The first thing that caught his attention was that he was all alone in the dorm, and a glance at the sky outside showed him that he had missed breakfast and maybe lunch too. Not that it mattered much.

Remus yawned, as he got to his feet and went across the room and to the showers. Smiling to himself as he turned the water on, he recalled a funny thing Sirius had once experienced – as he was alone in the shower, a House-Elf had popped up in the changing room by mistake, which wouldn't have been funny at all if the House-Elf hadn't been so shocked it had fainted with a tiny shriek. Remus failed to remember what had happened next, though – it occurred to him that it might be something that showed Sirius's bad sides, and that he had forgotten all about it because of that. Sirius _did_ have some bad sides, Remus often thought about that. He wished his friend would have been easier to understand…perhaps even easier to love.

As he returned to the dorm, he dressed quickly, wondering where the other Marauders where and why they hadn't waited for him. Feeling slightly miserable, he went over to Sirius bed. It wasn't made, of course – none of the boys in this dorm cared much for tidiness. The five pillows were scattered everywhere; at both ends of the bed, on the floor… Sirius's laundry lay in a heap on the floor, waiting for a House-Elf to collect and wash it for him, and Remus saw with an amused look in his eyes that Sirius had forgotten his wand. It was Saturday, but still… He picked it up, then leant down to stroke Sirius's pillow, smiling as he thought about how beautiful Sirius was while asleep…

A strange fear gripped him, suddenly, and he removed his hand as if it had been burnt. Hastily, he left the room, his cheeks burning with shame and excitement, Sirius's wand and his own clutched in one hand.

The Common Room was occupied by a bunch of third-year girls, a unanimous giggle rising as he walked past them (Remus didn't understand why, and got even more embarrassed). He climbed out of the Portrait-Hole, not knowing where he was heading. He felt terribly small, being left out and on his own, wondering why Sirius had left him behind. The hatred he felt for James grew by each minute, and Remus knew as if by instinct that it would not be a good thing if he met James on his own right now. For every nice thing happening between him and Sirius, for every promise of something better, James got in the way, pulling Sirius away as if he had been a puppet. James was the three steps back you had to take as soon as you'd taken one forward. Remus didn't want it to be like that anymore.

He put his free hand in his pocket, watching the tiny human dots outside walking, talking, laughing… Didn't those two standing close together by the great oak out there look just like James and…and…

In that moment, he felt something touching his fingertips. It was a small bit of parchment, rolled up inside his pocket. Being quite sure it hadn't been there yesterday, Remus got hold of it and opened it, his heart pounding. The handwriting was easily recognized.

"Meet me in the Astronomy Tower a.s.a.p.

Sirius"

He read it twice, then put it back in his pocket, blushing. How many hours had passed since Sirius wrote that, would he still be waiting up there in the cold Tower room…?

Remus thought about this for only a split second. Then, he took a deep breath and ran all the way up to the Astronomy Tower.


	20. In the Tower room

Chapter twenty: In the Tower room 

His heart pounded like never before. Remus was worried he might faint with exhaustion if he managed to reach the top of the stairs – worried, because Sirius might be there, waiting… Or, worse, if it was all just a prank and Sirius would be there just to laugh at him… Remus shrugged, telling himself he was being stupid. Whether Sirius was there or not… Remus had made up his mind, and he knew exactly what he felt now.

It became more chillier the higher he climbed, and he dreaded to think of how cold it must be in the Tower room. The winding staircase made him slightly uncomfortable – he had never liked heights. But he realized, obviously, that the Astronomy Tower was the ideal place if you wanted to be alone.

Remus almost stopped, his whole body shivering, as he reached the entrance to the Tower Room. He remembered what Sirius's lips tasted like, how it was to feel his cool hands and their soft caresses – but most of all, he couldn't wait to look into Sirius's wonderful, loving eyes again.

Sirius turned around the moment Remus entered the room (which was, indeed, very cold). He was standing by the window, wearing his school uniform and a warm cloak, which made Remus feel a little relieved. Sirius was pale as a ghost, and his lips were almost blue.

"I thought you didn't…" His voice was hoarse, as if he hadn't talked for many hours.

"Didn't want to see you? No" – Remus smiled – "just took me a while to find that note. Where are the others?" Sirius walked towards him, hesitantly.

"Who cares?" Their eyes met. Sirius blushed, then turned towards the window again.

"Come, over here. I want to show you something." He took Remus's hand and the two boys stood close together by the window, freezing in the chilly air. The view was truly marvelous. On the ground below, even the Forbidden Forest seemed like nothing more than a grove, and the Giant Squid would have looked tiny, had he cared to show himself. Sirius sighed.

"It's so beautiful I could die." Remus felt a thin arm slip round his waist, and moved even closer towards Sirius. Sirius put his other arm around him, and Remus embraced him. Sirius looked into his eyes.

"I told you the truth in the Hospital Wing that day", he said. Remus stroked his hair.

"When I was almost killed by a werewolf...yeah, I know", he whispered, his fingertips touching Sirius's pale skin, his cheeks and the thin, elegant line of his collar bone… Sirius pulled him closer.

"You're the sweetest beast I know", he smiled. Softly, he leant down. Their lips met, mouths slightly parted and tongues meeting shyly at first, then passionately. Remus grabbed Sirius's neck with one hand, the other stroking his back as Sirius held him like he was never going to let go. Remus leant against the wall, his fingertips moving over Sirius's chest, feeling the other boy's heartbeats, knowing his own heart pounded just as madly. Their tongues played with each other, hands moving searchingly, tenderly in the cold, darkening room.

Half an hour later, they were both lying on the stone floor, Sirius's cloak draped around them. Remus's head rested on Sirius's shoulder, and they had their arms around each other to keep warm.

"I was almost about to give up the minute you showed up", Sirius said in a low voice. "Thought you were never going to forgive me." Remus stroked his arm.

"I'm sorry", he said. "I would have come earlier if I had only found the note in time." He put his hand on Sirius's chest and let it stay there. Sirius's breath was almost inaudible.

"How long have you…?" Remus failed to end the sentence, realizing it made him look stupid. But Sirius understood, and he didn't laugh.

"How long I have been in love with you? Well" – he leant over, and their eyes met – "I guess I have always liked you slightly more than my parents would have approved of; not that that is saying anything, really…How about you, then? Love of your life or just a fling?" He blushed, turning his gaze away. Remus pulled him close and planted a full kiss on his mouth.

"Love of my life, definitely. And don't look surprised, Sirius." Sirius smiled guiltily.

"You…" he said. After that, they both went quiet. The chill… Remus had forgotten all about it, wrapped as he was in Sirius's arms, Sirius's kisses intoxicating his mind. Now, all of a sudden, he felt so cold he shivered, and it took him only a moment to realize why.

"Oh my god, Sirius…" he whispered. But before he had found the right words, another voice echoed from the other end of the room – a low, strange voice he vaguely recognized.

"Well, well, well… Looks like I'll have to tell the Headmaster about this."


	21. The good son

3

_**Chapter twenty-one: The good son **_

"No, wait" – the skinny, raven-haired boy standing in the doorway smiled maliciously – "perhaps I'd better go tell Mum and Dad straightaway, Sirius?"

Sirius got to his feet, rapidly, and Remus followed his example, feeling sick and dizzy. Chilly air, stone floor, Sirius' body, the softness of his hair, his sweet scent and that pink, wet tongue he was so terribly skillful with… _and now this_. It was simply too much – Remus was glad Sirius was standing beside him, and also embarrassed he was relieved to have a boy his own age protecting him. Sirius stroked the back of his hand, gently – then, he took one step towards the boy who had detected them.

"How long have you been standing there?" he blurted out. Regulus Black, who resembled his brother but was much shorter and skinnier, laughed.

"Long enough, if you know what I mean." He leant against the wall, not for a moment averting his gaze from his older brother. Remus could sense Sirius' feelings of hopelessness, and he understood – Regulus would obviously love to have something like this to tell Mr and Mrs Black, as if they didn't dislike Sirius enough already. The third-year slytherin had an almost crazy look in his eyes, as he, like Remus, awaited Sirius' reply. Remus realized he had both his own and Sirius' wand in his pocket, but doubted they were going to need them. This was between Sirius and Regulus – he had better just stay out of it.

"I'm not going to beg you not to say anything, because I know you will anyway." Sirius sighed. "But what will you gain from it, honestly?" Regulus laughed shortly.

"Oh, I don't know" – he shrugged – "to me, the question is more about what _you_ won't gain. To tell the truth, dear brother, I'm not at all surprised you ended up like this. I've always known you were twisted somehow." He smiled again, then continued:

"Anyway, everyone knows what you've been doing with Potter behind Lily Evans' back – are you cheating on him now?" Sirius went pale, and Remus couldn't remain silent anymore:

"Who…who have said that?" Regulus arched an eyebrow.

"Oh look, Sirius, your darling can speak too, how nice! If you want to know" – he turned to Remus with a bored expression on his face – "there was this Gryffindor slut who dated the Slytherin Keeper, and after she had a little too much to drink she told everyone who happened to be in the Common Room that night – among them a few classmates of mine – anyway, she told people one of her friends, name unknown, had seen Potter and Sirius making out in the stairs that lead to the boys' dormitories in your tower, and according to her, they were basically shagging then and there." Sirius was shaking with rage, his fists clenched.

"That's a lie!" Regulus, who didn't seem to pay any attention to this outburst, merely chuckled.

"Of course, I have noticed the way you two behave at home, Sirius, always hugging, practically sleeping together too… And – wait!" He smiled as if he had won the House Cup or something, then turned to Remus with a spiteful grin.

"I only just remembered!" he exclaimed, his eyes gleaming. "The year before I started at Hogwarts, Potter stayed at our place for about a week or so. And when I came to the bathroom to brush my teeth before I went to bed, they were standing there in front of the mirror…_kissing_. They were just kids, but…"

"Another lie!" Sirius said, moving closer towards his brother with a threatening look. "Just shut up, Regulus, tell Mum and Dad whatever you like, I don't care!" Regulus backed away a few steps, but the smirk was still on his face.

"You think you can do whatever you like, don't you, you and all your queer friends… But I'll tell people, I'll tell everyone, the teachers, they won't even talk to you…"

"Since when did they talk to me?" Sirius asked sarcastically. Regulus backed another few steps, looking a little insecure now.

"Just you wait!" he said, reaching the top of the stairs. "You'll see, Sirius, that I can make you miserable and I will!" He went down a few steps, and they could hear him cry:

"And your boyfriend too!" Regulus Black disappeared, and as soon as the sound of his steps had died away, Remus and Sirius looked at each other. Remus saw there were tears in the corners of Sirius' gray eyes.

"I'm sorry" Sirius said. "I didn't know… I…" Remus took his hand, hesitantly.

"Don't be", he said. "It's not your fault. Will he… do you think he'll…" Sirius sighed, picking up his cloak that was still lying on the floor, then carefully, and with blushing cheeks, draping it around Remus' shoulders.

"It's getting very cold in here", he said. Remus nodded, feeling slightly awkward.

"Sirius…" he whispered, but Sirius had already moved to the window again and didn't hear him. Remus followed him, secretly admiring his tall, slender body, the thin, white hands and that lovely, handsome face… As soon as he was close enough, he put his arms around Sirius and rested his head on his shoulder. Sirius tilted his head to kiss Remus' cheek, softly.

"I was hoping you wouldn't leave", he said. Remus smiled, looking at the winter landscape outside, feeling Sirius hand in his own.

"I would never leave." They both fell silent for a few minutes, standing close together by the window, bodies entwined.

"My brother wasn't lying, Remus." Sirius turned around, and they looked straight into each others eyes. "I'm sure you already know, but I… I just wanted to say." He was so cold he was shaking now, and Remus saw it. Without saying anything, he offered Sirius to have his own cloak back, and, when Sirius wouldn't accept it, simply put his arms around him again instead.

"I can't stand to see you freezing like this, perhaps we should go back to the Common Room again…" He didn't dare to suggest they head back for the dorm instead – somehow, it seemed inappropriate, and just to think about it made him blush. Sirius leant down and kissed him, softly at first and then almost desperately. Apart from the sweet taste of Sirius' mouth, Remus' tongue could also trace the salty tears running down his friend's cheeks. He wasn't used to people crying, let alone to Sirius crying – but at the moment, those tears didn't scare him at all. They were part of Sirius, and Sirius was the one he loved.

After the kiss, Sirius turned his face to the view outside the window again. Remus was still holding his hand. Around them, everything was quiet – no talking, no whispering, only the wind softly caressing the stone walls and the ceiling. Sirius dried his eyes with the back of his hand, not looking at Remus.

"It's just that…he wasn't always like that. I used to look after him when we were kids – and he was never ever like that."


	22. Toujours pur

3

Chapter twenty-two: Toujours pur 

The next morning, as they were all sitting at the Gryffindor table having breakfast, Sirius received a letter. He and Remus hadn't told anyone anything – not that they were in love, not that they had met in the Astronomy Tower or that Regulus had walked in on them and threatened to tell his and Sirius' parents. Now, as the Blacks' big, yellow-eyed owl flew in from one of the windows, Sirius looked up and gasped. Remus squeezed his hand under the table, glad they were sitting next to each other, but Sirius didn't seem to notice.

"That's your owl, isn't it?" James asked, looking puzzled.

"Not mine", Sirius muttered. James shrugged, apparently not realizing the seriousness of the situation. Lily was at his side again – Remus could tell she endured having his arm around her waist without complaining simply because she wanted to see what was going on in Marauderworld. He couldn't blame her. Unlike James, Lily seemed to understand that the owl meant trouble. As it landed on the table, in front of Sirius, Remus backed away, along with practically everyone close enough to notice its sharp beak and the mean look in its eyes. But Sirius took the roll of parchment tied to its leg, ignoring the fact that the huge, inky black bird looked like the devil badly disguised. As soon as the message was delivered, the owl flew back to where it had come from, and Remus felt relieved. Then, he remembered the letter.

Sirius had already broken the seal and was now staring at the few lines scribbled across the parchment in red ink. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw Regulus was observing everything from the Slytherin table.

"Anything happened, Sirius?" James had stopped eating, and was now watching Sirius as eagerly as everyone else. Sirius shook his head, then handed the roll of parchment to Remus.

"Read it", he said, his eyes big and sad and beautiful. Remus obeyed him. He wasn't surprised Sirius' parents hadn't sent him a Howler – it wasn't their style, and besides, people who sent Howlers to their children usually cared about them and were mad at them because they didn't want them to put themselves in danger or something like that. Sirius' parents didn't care – they were just happy they got a chance to express their hatred and disgust.

The letter was short and badly articulated; Sirius' mother had written it. Remus felt sick reading something like that, knowing it was written to humiliate and insult Sirius. At the bottom of the parchment, the expression "_Toujours pur_" was written in enchanted, golden letters. Sirius stared at the two words for a few moments – then, he grabbed the parchment and tore it apart. Remus wished he had been able to comfort him.

"I hate that" Sirius said, looking into Remus' eyes. "She knows I hate it." James coughed.

"Your mother, Sirius? What was that letter about?" Sirius smiled sadly.

"The bitch has disowned me, that's all. Like I care what she thinks." Both James, Lily and Peter stared at him, and Lily exclaimed:

"Oh, how _could _she do something like that?" She looked at Remus, but he turned his eyes away, unable to face her. James, for once, seemed devastated.

"You know I will always be there for you, if you need me… My parents wouldn't mind at all if you wanted to live at our place, you know that, right?" Lily eyed him suspiciously, and so did Remus, but Sirius smiled.

"Thanks, James. I'll keep that in mind."

Until this Sunday, Remus had never liked this day of the week at all. Not for any particular reason, he just found it hard to concentrate on anything on Sundays, because as soon as you came up with something you wanted to do, the day was over and you had to start thinking about school again. This Sunday, though, was different. Apparently, Sirius had decided to ignore his family's disapproval of his sexual orientation just as he ignored their opinion in all other matters, and at first, this worried Remus a little. It would be very much like Sirius to make sure nobody could possibly think he and Remus were just friends anymore, and that would have caused nothing but trouble. However, Sirius acted just as usual, except that he kept talking about his little brother in a strange way – he seemed to think seriously of strangling him, and then he changed his mind completely and told Remus in a low voice how he would never have managed living at nr 12 Grimmauld Place during his childhood if it hadn't been for Regulus. Remus listened, but didn't say much. He knew Sirius was in absolute despair because of that letter, and that he did everything to hide it.

That night, the two of them were sitting on Remus' bed, curtains partly closed, playing a game of Wizard's Chess. Around them, the other boys were going to bed, but Remus wasn't tired at all and he could tell Sirius wasn't either. As often as possible, their fingertips touched, and they exchanged looks with sparkling eyes and soft smiles.

"Checkmate" Sirius said finally, yawning. Remus realized he hadn't concentrated on the game for the last twenty minutes, but losing didn't bother him much. He put the chessboard on the floor between their beds, and Sirius kissed him.

"Goodnight", he said, moving over to his own four-poster. Remus sat in silence for a few minutes – his heart pounding so hard he wouldn't be the least surprised if all the boys heard it.

He woke up in the middle of the night as a soft hand stroked his cheek.

"Hey" Sirius whispered, barely visible in the darkness. "Can I lie here for a moment?"

Remus stared at him, eyes wide open.

"But…" Sirius smiled reassuringly, then slipped between the sheets of Remus' bed and closed the curtains around them.

"Just for a short while", he said, his face incredibly close since they were sharing the same pillow. "I can't sleep anyway." Remus tried to nod, even though he knew it would look stupid since he was lying down. Sirius put one arm around him, moving a little closer.

"Okay", Remus said, knowing he might regret it later. "Sirius, you're not…you're not sad, are you?" He paused. "I mean… I understand if you…" Then, he realized what Sirius' left hand was doing, and gasped.

"No", he said, "stop it, Sirius… Stop it!" Sirius laughed in a low voice, his breath tickling Remus' skin.

"Why? I know you like it." Remus blushed, and removed Sirius' hand, shivering.

"Just… just not yet, okay?" What Sirius had done was thrilling and shocking at the same time – how could he possibly fall asleep again after this?

"Alright", Sirius said, reminding Remus of a child promising not to be naughty again but already thinking about how to break that promise. "Let's sleep."

"What if they find us like this in the morning?" Remus asked, knowing Sirius wouldn't care.

"We could cast a spell on them and they wouldn't wake before us." Sirius' voice faded, and he kissed Remus on the mouth, their bodies pressed together. Remus thought about ending it at first – then, he just forgot.


	23. Hand in glove

2

A/N: I keep forgetting to put a/n:s in the chapters, but right now I'm remembering, yay.. THANK YOU to everyone who have reviewed, you've made me very happy!  This chapter is a pretty lousy one, I'll try to write something better next time. I should mention that the next chapter might be the last one, but I'm not sure about that yet. 

**The title of this chapter is of course taken from one of the best songs the Smiths ever recorded, in case you didn't know.**

Chapter twenty-three: Hand in glove 

For the first time ever, Remus Lupin didn't wake up on his own. He felt Sirius' presence immediately; one hand resting on his chest while the other one was entangled in his hair, Remus' own arm around Sirius' waist. As he opened his eyes, he saw Sirius was sleeping with his face almost buried in the pillow. Remus didn't move, he just lay there watching Sirius, smiling to himself. Then, as suddenly as if someone had turned up the volume on a radio, he heard all the other boys chatting, dressing, laughing – how could he have been so stupid? Just imagining what the others would say if they saw, imagining how the rumor would spread through the school… Remus shifted his arm a little, hoping Sirius would wake up. He didn't.

"Sirius" Remus whispered, hoping desperately none of the others would hear.

"Huh?", Sirius moaned, not moving. Remus sighed.

"Listen, we've overslept and we're in a bit of a mess right now… It looks like we're trapped until the others are out of here." Sirius sat up in the bed, and Remus followed his example. After that, they looked into each other's eyes, waiting for the voices from outside the curtains to fade away. Unfortunately, what they heard was getting more and more alarming.

"I wonder why those two aren't up yet", James said, apparently standing by his own bed. One of the other boys said something in such a low voice neither Remus or Sirius could hear any of the words, but they could guess what it was as it was followed by a unanimous giggle.

"Damn" Sirius whispered, "if he knew how right he is…" Remus hushed at him.

"Look" he said, "James will check if you're in your bed soon, we've got to do something…"

Sirius nodded, then smiled as if there weren't a problem at all.

"I've got it all figured out now", he said, "and all you have to do is act." Remus stared at him.

"Me – act?" The thought scared and confused him; Sirius and James were the actors of the Marauders, he himself preferred to stay out of such things.

"I know you don't like it", Sirius said in a soft voice, "but you're the one who's in the right bed, after all. This is what you'll have to do – just go out to them, act as if nothing's wrong, and when you hear I'm not up yet, walk over to my bed and pull open the curtains."

"But…!" Sirius shook his head, still smiling.

"Discuss it with them, try to trick them into believing that I've probably just woken up before everyone else or something. Then, you just go on, take a shower, don't act as if it bothers you at all that I'm out of my bed. I'll stay here until the coast is clear." Remus nodded, feeling nervous and being quite sure he would give himself away immediately. However, he stepped onto the floor, yawning, pretending he had just woken up.

"G'morning", he said as he grabbed his towel and a bar of soap, glancing in the direction of the other boys. They nodded as they saw him.

"Morning, Remus", James said. "Slept well?" Remus tried not to think of Sirius, and said:

"Um, yeah…Yeah, I guess. You?" James shrugged.

"Think so. Hey, you haven't seen Sirius, have you?" Remus faked a puzzled expression.

"Why, isn't he asleep?" He walked over to Sirius' bed and pulled the curtains open, then looked back at the others.

"Not here" he said, still looking puzzled. "You sure he's not in the Great Hall already?" He walked back towards the small group of boys standing in the middle of the room.

"It seems strange", James said. "But I guess you're right." However, as Remus passed him to get to the showers, James winked at him, a mischievous look in his eyes.

Luckily, people left at last and Sirius got dressed quickly, then disappeared before Remus did since it would look suspicious if they entered the Great Hall together. They ate their breakfast without saying much, Remus trying to ignore the knowing expression on James' face. Could it be, that he had heard anything…? He didn't even ask Sirius where he had been all morning, and nobody else did either. As if they already knew – all of them.

After supper that day, Remus was walking towards the Gryffindor Tower, planning to get some homework done, as he found himself facing Lily Evans on the Third Floor. She had, apparently, been looking for him.

"I want some information, Remus" she exclaimed happily, dragging him to an empty room. "There's obviously something going on and I don't know anything about it. Have you slept with him already?" Remus blushed, looking at her as if she were mad.

"If you must know", he said, "we didn't…I mean, we slept in the same bed tonight, but that doesn't mean we actually…" Lily smiled, her green eyes sparkling.

"Oh, that's cute", she said, "that's _so_ cute… The two of you are really in love then?" Remus turned his face away.

"Yeah" he said, thinking of Sirius' soft fingertips and his beautiful, gray eyes. "We are."


	24. Soul love

2

_**Chapter twenty-four: Soul love**_

They went to the Tower together, Lily and Remus, side by side. Neither of them said much. Remus no longer felt tense in her company – she was like an ally now, and he felt relieved he had been able to trust her, even though she had told James last time he had confided in her. It wouldn't happen again – Lily had learnt her lesson, had learnt that James wasn't as perfect as she had once imagined. Remus saw in her eyes that James would have to prove himself worthy of her love if he wanted it, and he thought that suited James just fine. Sirius was still way too fond of James, of course – but Remus knew he had to stay out of their friendship, and that he had to trust Sirius. In the Astronomy Tower the other day, he had promised himself he would always – what would life be without Sirius anyway?

Their friends were waiting in the Common Room, occupying the large sofa and the armchairs by the fireplace. Peter yawned as they entered the room; he didn't look comfortable at all, perhaps James and Sirius had made some rude jokes or laughed at his haircut or something (not that there was anything funny about it). As James saw Lily, a glimpse of uncertainty appeared in his eyes.

"Hi, Lily" he said, sounding as if he was a shy boy trying to start a conversation with a very pretty girl. She glanced at him.

"Oh, hello, James." She sat down beside Peter on the sofa, just as usual. James looked slightly disappointed – then turned to Remus.

"And where are you going to sit, I wonder?" He smiled mischievously. Sirius and Remus looked into each others eyes – Sirius was sitting in an armchair in the other end of the room, and Remus knew everyone was watching him, watching Sirius…

Then, having thought about it for a moment or two, he walked through the room and sat down beside Sirius, being very grateful someone at Hogwarts had decided to buy furniture suitable for half-giants. Sirius put his arm around him.

"Have I missed anything?" Peter stared at them, wide-eyed. "What's the matter with you two?" Remus saw both James and Lily tried to suppress their laughter, and waited for someone else to say something. Then, he realized no one was going to speak. He looked into Peter's eyes, faking a smile.

"Yeah, well, we would have to told you, but you know… I thought you would have guessed, but the thing is I'm in love with Sirius." He blushed, but Sirius stroked his hair, calming him down.

"That's right" Sirius said, "and I happen to be crazy about him as well." Peter had become rather pale, he even looked a little ill, but he still managed to smile.

"Oh" he said, "good. I mean, that's…nice. I think I'm going to bed, lots of homework, you know…" He got to his feet and went up the stairs, walking a little too fast and breathing a little too slowly.

"You're not fooling anyone, Peter!" James shouted after him, laughing. Lily giggled, then looked at Remus.

"Happy?" she said, her green eyes sparkling. Remus nodded, but the words he was going to say drowned in a kiss, and he felt Sirius' arms around him.

"Let's leave them alone, shall we?" James said, his voice sounding very distant. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus noticed how he went up the stairs to their dormitory, how Lily went after him, kissed him on the cheek and then left, how he was left alone with Sirius…

"What will happen when they all know about us?" Remus managed to say, although he didn't really care for the answer. Sirius began to unbutton his shirt, almost ripping it apart…

"Nothing" Sirius whispered, pulling him closer. "I won't let anything happen to you."

Remus kissed him again, ignoring the fact that they were lying on the floor in a room where anyone could see them – he just didn't care. Sirius was on top of him, holding him, their tongues playing passionately and their souls totally entwined.

"_Don't worry_" he thought as he looked into Sirius' eyes and found vulnerable, beautiful love in them. "_I won't let anything happen to you either._"

THE END


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